The first day of change

The first day of change- written on 12-18-10

So I am trying this again, the lifestyle change.  I have tried to lose weight before but every time I get to about 20 pounds lost I fall off and then gain it all back again.  But this time I feel different, I feel like I'm ready for the long road ahead of me.  I have 146 pounds to lose.  Maybe I'm ready because I just had another child and I know if I don't do something I will die early and not see my kids grow up.  Maybe I'm ready because my mom just had gastric bypass and I don't want to be the "Fat Daughter".  Maybe it's because my husband is trying to slim down.  Maybe because my kids are active running around and I'm sitting on the couch.  Or maybe it's because we went to see West Side Story December 4th at the Pantages Theater and I was so uncomfortable sitting in that TINY TIGHT seat.  All I know is that I'm ready and I'm doing this.  I have let this weight control me for 10 years now, wow that's a long time and I've never said that out loud! 

I started putting on some weight after we got married.  We both did, we felt comfortable and happy, who cared how we look.  We ate ice cream every night, we didn't even scoop it out into a bowl we just ate it straight out of the carton!  I then got pregnant with our twin boys and I put on 10 pounds in 6 months.  I went into labor with them at 25 weeks and they were born at 1 lb 8oz and 1lb 6oz.  They were in the NICU and I was there everyday all day.  I ate fast food and cafeteria food for every meal I didn't care.  My first son died at 3 months and I was so depressed but I still had my other son to take care of.  My second son died at 4 months and now I was in a whole other universe.  I walked around like a zombie, sleeping, crying, and sitting at the cemetery.  I put anything and everything in my mouth.  I found comfort in food where my husband found comfort in running and working out.  He started losing weight and I started packing it on.  I was so bad that he went to my parents and asked for help because he couldn't see me living like this nor could our daughter see her mom like this any more.  Little by little I started getting out of bed and making my way through the day but then it was Christmas, my FAVORITE holiday ever and I was depressed again.  I baked and ate everything again but I still felt empty, I felt like that song by Faith Hill- Where Are You Christmas.  I packed on more weight and it didn't even phase me.  

In February I found out I was pregnant again.  I was scared more than anything.  I couldn't go through losing another child.  With every cramp, pain, twitch I ran to the doctor, I panicked, and I worried.  In October I gave birth to another beautiful health son.  He was perfect.  It was bittersweet you see he was born the day after my second son's anniversary of his death.  It was a new start for me as a mother.  It's too bad I didn't see it that way for my weight!  I continued to eat out of control and packed on more weight.

Years went by and I was busy with school and work, never thinking about my weight or health.  I focused on my kids, my husband, my house, and my career.  I didn't have nor did I want to focus on me.  I didn't think it was right to have time for me. 

In July of 2008 I gave birth to our 5th child and fully enjoyed every minute of this pregnancy and birth.  I was in a new place with my kids and I was happy again.  Lots of soul searching and talking with my family, friends, and priest helped me to get in a better place with my kids.  But my weight was still an issue I was huge!  I was in the high 200's and that is not good.  I tried getting healthy again and even ran a 1/2 marathon.  I lost about 25 pounds but that wasn't enough.  I tried to lose more weight but got frustrated and stopped counting, stopped exercising.

I found out in 2010 I was pregnant with our 6th baby and I was excited.  I always wanted a big family and after the twins I never that I would continue.  We welcomed this baby in October and I love every minute of it.  I am now ready to lose all the baby weight I have put on in the past 7 years plus the weight I put on after we got married.  I know it will be a long road because I want to lose it the right way, nice and slow.  I have a strong support system around me and I have 4 beautiful kids cheering me all the way and a WONDERFUL loving husband who is working with me.

This time needs to be the final time and I need to get healthy for my family and me.  I am happy again and I enjoy life.  I know now that my twins are fine and watching over us, and I will see them again but not just yet.  I love my life and now my outside needs to reflect that!