It's been how long?

WOW! It has been a LOOONG time since I've been here! I'm going to focus on the fact that I came back and I'm happy to be back.

While the truth is I've gained back my weight and I am fighting to get back down. I lost my motivation, I lost my drive, I lost my will. I had no desire to lose weight or to be healthy and I'm not sure why. Why would I not want to be healthy or not in pain? I just didn't have it. How many people can relate? Probably all of you.

Well for some reason last Monday something hit me and I'm not sure what. I was just plain tired! Tired of feeling down, tired of pain, tired of hating, tired of being jealous, just TIRED. So I looked up different meditations and podcast to help me deal with stress and weight and I found two different podcast on iTunes, "Meditation Oasis". I listen to a meditation podcast which helps me de-stress, calm down, and relax. I can't believe what  a difference it has made for me in just 7 days! I look forward to my meditation time. It's amazing!

The second thing I've done is found a Life Coach podcast. "Inside Out Weight Loss" is a podcast that works toward aligning mind, body, and spirit for lasting change. The nightly discussions talk about diet, motivation, and fitness. It has helped me examine what is going on inside and why I am so heavy. I have dug deep for answers and I am seeing results and it's only been 7 days! In the 7 days I have examined why I eat; I seek comfort from food. The food has become my coping mechanism for 3 different and major events in my life, events I have felt guilty for. I feel so guilty that I eat to make myself feel better. When I go to eat something I do it because I tell myself "I deserve it", "It will make you feel better", "You're sad so this is what you need" but I know that's not going to make me feel better. All the food did was make me struggle, cry, and hurt. I felt as though my weight was my way of displaying my guilt, a way of letting everyone know that I was guilty and this is what I must do to make up for it. I have realized that I have to forgive myself and move on. I have done nothing wrong, I am not the one who has to pay. I deserve better. EVERYTHING else in my life is just about perfect EXCEPT my weight and health. My marriage, my kids, my education, my career; I'm as happy as can be with all of that EXCEPT my weight and health. I'm working on it though. I am writing in a journal, I am listening, and I am seeking answers from within. In the 7 days I have lost 7 pounds!!! I have not counted calories, I have not joined a program, I have not starved myself BUT I HAVE LISTENED to what my body is saying! Wow, what a concept. I am not fighting with myself internally, not fighting about what I put in my mouth, I eat what I need; no more, no less. Almost instantly I have stopped eating desert because I just don't want it. For the first time I can eat something because I like the taste but STOP after one! I eat it because I want the taste not because "I deserve it" or "it will make me feel better"!

I'm really working on myself this time not the weight and I feel as though this is a game changer.  I'll keep you updated!

New Year, New Goals

I sit here one year later reflecting on 2011 and looking forward to 2012. I did not hit all of my goals for 2011 but I am down from where I was one year ago. I am glad that I went a whole year aware of my weight and what I was putting in my body. I am proud that I have become more educated about my health. I have read a book that has helped me see weight loss in a different light, Women Food and God, by Geneen Roth has been an eye opening book. This book has helped me understand or at least try to understand the the gain and ideas for helping myself heal. It's a long journey and I have shed a few tears but it is cleansing. I am enjoying this journey.

So it is time to look at my goals for 2012. Here they are:

Starting weight: 298 (12-31-11)

Goal #1: 288 (3-10-12) weight at the '09 Disneyland 1/2 marathon- pedicure    

Goal #2: 278 (5-19-12) loss of 10% my body weight- massage

Goal #3: 268 (7-28-12) just before my 36th birthday!- diamond studs

Goal #4: 263 (9-1-12)  '12 Disneyland 1/2 marathon- mani, pedi & massage

Goal #5: 257 (10-13-12) Our 11 year wedding anniversary- couples massage

Goal #6: 247 (12-31-11) 51 pounds down!- spa day at Glen Ivy

I've figured that I would lose 1 pound per week, that is realistic. I want to take it slow and not stress out on the weight loss. I think that is why I'm not too disappointed with this years weight loss, I'm not going to stress. I am going to live my life BUT stay aware of what is going on with my health. It is really a lifestyle change not a diet, it is my journey.

Good bye 2011!  Thank you for the life lessons!!! I wish you all the best in the New Year. Be safe tonight and enjoy the celebration. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I will continue on this journey and continue to loss this weight.

One Year Ago...

December 18th marked my one year anniversary of this weight loss journey! I am looking at this in a positive, glass is half full lens instead of crying poor me. Let's see... this time last year I was 311 pounds and now I am 298! I am so glad (but cautiously aware) that I am out of the 300's. I hit 298 early this year but have struggled to get down. Now, if I was in a different state of mind I would have been sulking because I was down to 292 bringing my weight loss to 19 pounds, however that weigh in took place after my surgery and not having eaten for 3 days because of the surgery. I am proud of my self because this was the first time I was actually aware about what I put in my body, although it wasn't always the best foods I was aware of what I was doing and not just moving through the day.

Being aware of what was going in my body was not the only positive for me this year. I was able to exercise and run, not to mention I enjoyed it! I look forward to getting out there again and begin my training for my 1/2 marathon. I am going to train and get ready for the 2012 Disneyland 1/2 marathon. I didn't get to do the 2011 race because I had my Gall Bladder removed. I did however do the 5k along side my aunt and my mom. I didn't do the race for a set time because I was running/walking with a camera to capture my mom's first Disneyland 5k! I was glad I got to do the 5k even though I couldn't do the 1/2 marathon.

This year has also been a positive in the sense that I am dealing with my personal issues and letting myself FEEL! I am always the person that smiles, laughs, and says everything is great but I am a wreck inside. I have been reading recommended books and they are helping me deal with these feelings of hurt, pain, and grief. After my surgery I went into a semi depressive state longing for my sons and questioning their deaths. I found comfort in food, sweets, coffees, basically ANYTHING that tasted good and made me happy. I was aware of what I was doing but didn't care because questioning my self and my beliefs about what happened hurt. It was something that needed to be done. So that is how I went from 292 back to 298 and even though I went up I considered what I was doing, the fact that I was aware of what I was doing, and the fact that I wasn't back where I started one year ago which made me happy.

I am still on my journey and I have accepted that I am not going to lose all my weight in 6 months, 1 year, or even 18 months. I am a work in progress and I am taking it one day at a time, one step at a time. I am not going to take medications, magic pills, surgery, or any pay for weight loss program. I am going to continue working on myself, my happiness, my health, my athletic ability, and my mental health. It took me about 7 years to get this big so I am going to allow myself time to loss this weight. I have everything I need; a loving and supportive husband, my wonderful children, my supportive family and friends, this blog, and an open mind.

In closing I have lost 13 pounds in Year 1 of my Weight Loss Journey. I continue to gain straight mentally and physically and I look forward to Year 2 of this Mother of 6's Weight Loss Journey!

Merry Christmas to you and your family and may 2012 be an AMAZING year for you all!